Rantika's Blog

  Sudah sebulan, tapi aku masih suka membaca history chat kita di handphone. Sudah sebulan, barusan ibumu menelponku. Aku sudah lama sekali tidak bicara dengannya. Ibumu memulai dengan ‘Kamu baik-baik aja?’ ‘Baik, semua, baik,’ kataku. ‘Masa?’ tanya ibumu. ‘Iya,’ kataku. "Kami semua kangen sama dia’ kata ibumu. "Kangen banget.’ "Sekarang dia udah punya hidup yang baru, kamu juga bisa memberikan hidup yang baru untuk diri kamu. Kamu bisa menolong dirimu sendiri.’ Aku ingat kalimat ibumu ini mirip dengan yang kamu ucapkan. Aku ingat kita berdua selesai menonton Avengers kedua kalinya, lalu kamu membuang plastik minum di tempat sampah.  Lalu, masih terbawa action film tersebut, aku berkata kepadamu, ‘Kapan pun kamu dalam bahaya, aku pasti tolongin kamu.’ Kamu malah menjawab, ‘Coba aku mau tanya. Kalau misalnya kita keracunan nih, penawarnya cuma satu. Kamu mau kasih ke siapa obatnya?’ Aku jawab dengan yakin, ‘Ke kamu lah.’ Kamu malah tertawa. ‘Aku gak mau. Aku mau kamu meno...

  Almost one month. I'm finally ready to talk about it. Writing has always been a way of escape for me in the past, penning all of my dark thoughts so I could live in the light of day. It was not what I thought I was getting a call for on a Sunday morning.  Y et we only met a week ago. We talked. We hang out together.  Y ou left without a word. At that time, mostly, I just felt numb. Physically, I was there, but I didn’t feel here mentally. I worked and I studied for my postgrad classes. But I was not okay. I didn’t know how to deal with grief. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel.  We were together for 17 years. We bonded over our love for talking, our similar music tastes, and our perfectionism. We would talk for hours about the most mundane things or serious life decisions. We were so alike that sometimes we would argue and get into spats, but we always made up. I don’t know what to say to explain how much it hurts and confuses me that you left so easily. It’s...